The Cheezo Conspiracy

By Ida B. Whale and Carl Bearstein

Part One: The Tower

Greedy Mr. Cheezo had always wanted to have the biggest building in the whole world. He thought this was the way to make people like him. Not by being kind, or by sharing, or by telling the truth. The best way to make people like you, thought Greedy Mr. Cheezo, was to show them you had the biggest building.

But there was a problem. Greedy Mr. Cheezo was terrible at building buildings. He tried and he tried, but he kept losing all of his money, and other people’s money too. Pretty soon, nobody was willing to lend him any more money to try to build a building.

Nobody, that is, except maybe—just maybe—the king of a faraway land named Vladimir Poopin. Greedy Mr. Cheezo looked up to Vladimir Poopin because he was just about the richest person in the entire world. How did he get so rich? From sharing. Vladimir Poopin loved sharing, so long as it was other people sharing with him and not the other way around.

Poopin had his own group of henchmen, who were called the Oligarchs. They owned all of the biggest companies in the faraway land. As long as the Oligarchs shared half of their money with Poopin, he let them keep their companies and he didn’t poison them.

Greedy Mr. Cheezo saw how rich the Oligarchs were, and he thought to himself, “I’d like to be an oligarch someday. If only I could get Vladimir Poopin to notice me.”

'Mega Cheezo Tower'

Greedy Mr. Cheezo tried everything to get Vladimir Poopin to notice him. He called and he called, but Poopin never picked up. He sent Bianca Cheezo to the faraway land for a meeting with Vladimir Poopin, but Poopin never showed up. Greedy Mr. Cheezo even held a beauty pageant in the faraway land to get Vladimir Poopin’s attention, but Vladimir Poopin did not come.

Greedy Mr. Cheezo was getting desperate. But then his old friend Robber Stone gave him an idea. “If you pretend to run for king,” said Robber Stone, “Vladimir Poopin will notice you.”

Greedy Mr. Cheezo liked the idea of pretending to run for king. Even though he was a lying orange-faced meanie who had lost all of his money seven times over, maybe if he ran for king people would take him seriously. People like Vladimir Poopin.

And sure enough, a month or two after Cheezo started his campaign for king, Vladimir Poopin finally returned a call. Or rather, Poopin’s people called Cheezo’s people. And then they sent Cheezo a very special letter.

The letter was about building the tallest building in the world, right around the corner from Vladimir Poopin’s palace in the faraway land. The Tower would have a luxurious apartment at the very top built special for Vladimir Poopin. And do you know what they wanted to call the building?

Mega Cheezo Tower.

The best part about it was that Greedy Mr. Cheezo didn’t have to do anything to build the tower. Poopin’s friends would take care of that. All he needed to do was give them permission to use his name on the building. Mega Cheezo Tower! Greedy Mr. Cheezo liked the sound of that.

When Greedy Mr. Cheezo read the letter, he daydreamed about sitting with Vladimir Poopin in that special apartment while they joked about how rich and powerful they both were. Greedy Mr. Cheezo would not only have the tallest building in the world, he would have a friend. Greedy Mr. Cheezo had always wanted a friend.

And Vladimir Poopin seemed like he would be a wonderful friend. For example, the letter said that if they built Mega Cheezo Tower, Greedy Mr. Cheezo would get $300 million dollars! All that money, and the only thing he had to do was give them permission to call it Mega Cheezo Tower.

But was that REALLY the only thing Cheezo had to do to get the $300 million dollars?

Part Two: The Campaign

Greedy Mr. Cheezo was not good at building buildings (or for that matter, being a husband, being a daddy, sharing, telling the truth, being kind, or not being orange). But there WAS one thing he was good at. Tricking people.

He tricked people into thinking he was much richer than he actually was. He tricked people into believing that he was a good business man. And he tricked people into being afraid of other people, just because those people had a different color skin, spoke a different language, or believed in a different god.

Most people did not believe that Greedy Mr. Cheezo could possibly become King. Not even Greedy Mr. Cheezo believed it himself. What he really wanted was to get Vladimir Poopin’s attention so that he could build the biggest building in the world and maybe even become one of Poopin’s oligarchs.

But then he started winning. He beat Jebediah Bush-league. He beat Chris Crusty. He beat Tez Crude and Marco Dubious. He beat Ben Fartson. At last, there was only one more person left to beat. Hillary Hotrodham.

'A man named Paul Madmanfart'

Hillary Hotrodham had been a senator, and then she became the Secretary of State for King Barockstar Obama, who was the king before Cheezo. She might have been the most qualified person ever to run for King (or in her case, Queen). Because Greedy Mr. Cheezo was just about the least qualified person ever to run for King, everyone assumed that Hillary Hotrodham would beat him.

Vladimir Poopin assumed that she would win too, and the thought of Queen Hotrodham terrified him. She had promised to stop him from stealing money from his own people, and Poopin knew she meant it. So Vladimir Poopin decided to try to stop HER from becoming Queen. At first, Poopin had his secret police force spread lies about Hillary Hotrodham. But when Greedy Mr. Cheezo started winning, Poopin decided to help him. Because it was clear that Greedy Mr. Cheezo needed a lot of help.

Poopin called his favorite Oligarch, Oleg Hairypasta, and asked him if he knew anyone who could help Greedy Mr. Cheezo.

Oleg Hairypasta knew exactly the right person for the job. There was someone who knew how to run a campaign for king, someone who didn’t mind lying and cheating, someone who had been doing Hairypasta’s dirty tricks for years. Someone, coincidentally, who had worked for years with Cheezo’s old friend Robber Stone.

A man named Paul Madmanfart.

Part Three: The Conspiracy

Paul Madmanfart liked working with Oligarchs, and the Oligarchs liked working with him. When they wanted to hide the money they stole, they sent it to Madmanfart to hold onto for them. They didn’t mind if he kept a little of it for himself.

One time, Oleg Hairypasta sent $19 million dollars to Paul Madmanfart, and he kept more than a little of it for himself. He used it to buy coats made from the fur of endangered animals, and to buy fancy apartments that no one lived in.

But lately, Madmanfart had fallen on hard times. Oleg Hairypasta wanted his $19 million dollars back. Madmanfart knew that if he didn’t pay up, there was a very good chance Hairypasta would poison him.

And so, when Oleg Hairypasta called Paul Madmanfart to tell him the plan that he and Poopin had cooked up, Paul Madmanfart knew it was an offer he couldn’t refuse.

The next day, Paul Madmanfart called Greedy Mr. Cheezo and offered to work for him. For free.

The fact that Madmanfart was willing to work for free would have made most people suspicious. But not Greedy Mr. Cheezo. He loved anything that was free, so he hired Paul Madmanfart and even made him the boss of his campaign.

This made Paul Madmanfart very happy, and he emailed Oleg Hairypasta to tell him the good news. Not long after that, Madmanfart also offered to give the Oligarch private updates on Greedy Mr. Cheezo’s campaign. After all, it’s not like Cheezo was paying him - and Hairypasta had already given him nineteen million dollars.

'He Didn't Seem to Mind At All'

Vladimir Poopin’s plan was going just as he had hoped. The secret police had been doing a pretty good job of spreading lies about Hillary Hotrodham, but with Greedy Mr. Cheezo’s help more and more people started believing the lies. Greedy Mr. Cheezo was a great liar on his own, but he was even better when he had a whole secret police force helping him out.

Now that Paul Madmanfart was the boss of Greedy Mr. Cheezo’s campaign, Vladimir Poopin’s spies tried out some new tricks. They hacked into Hillary Hotrodham’s files to steal her secrets. Sometimes, they even organized real live protests against Hillary Hotrodham! That’s how scared Vladimir Poopin was of Hillary Hotrodham.

During all of this, Poopin’s spies kept in touch with Cheezo’s henchmen. Michael Cohnhead kept working on the plans for the new Mega Cheezo Tower. Jeff Secessions met with Poopin’s ambassador, Sergei KissMyYak, and so did Cheezo himself. They even used a secret code when they talked, in case anyone was listening in on them. Instead of saying, “Let Poopin and the Oligarchs keep all they money they stole,” the spies and the henchmen said they were “talking about adoptions.” Instead of saying, “Pay Paul Madmanfart lots of money secretly,” they said, “Give Madmanfart some caviar.”

Poopin’s Oligarch’s and Trump’s henchmen all pretended they were not cheating against Hillary Hotrodham. Cooperating with another country in an election would be very naughty. So naughty it was against the law. But as long as everything stayed secret, Greedy Mr. Cheezo didn’t seem to mind at all that it was against the law.

'If it's what you say it is, I love it'

One time, Poopin’s spies sent an email to Cheezo Junior (who later became Greedy Prince Cheezo when his father was elected King) inviting him to a meeting to talk about the secrets they had stolen from Hillary Hotrodham. Cheezo Junior was so excited that he wrote back, “If it’s what you say it is, I love it!” Cheezo Junior invited Poopin’s spies to Greedy Mr. Cheezo’s house for the meeting. And he even brought Jared Cashner and Paul Madmanfart.A week later, Poopin’s friends began posting Hillary Hotrodham’s secrets on the internet to embarrass her.

Just like they had offered during the meeting at Cheezo’s house!

Greedy Mr. Cheezo kept pretending that he didn’t know about all this cheating, but sometimes it was hard to believe him. Like for example when he said on live television, “Vladimir Poopin, if you’re listening, please hack Hillary Hotrodham’s files so that we can find more embarrassing things about her!”

Apparently Poopin’s friends WERE listening, because that very same night they hacked into the email of Hillary Hotrodham’s best friend, John Brodesta. They held onto these particular secrets until right before the election.

Just like Cheezo Junior has suggested!

Another time, Paul Madmanfart met up with an old friend of his, a spy who worked for Oleg Hairypasta and Vladimir Poopin. Paul Madmanfart gave the spy a very special gift: the polling information from Greedy Mr. Cheezo’s campaign. This was all of the information that Cheezo’s people had collected about who people would vote for in the election. If you wanted to find exactly the right people to spread lies to, like Vladimir Poopin’s spies did, this was was the perfect information to help you!

Usually this kind of information was kept top secret. But Paul Madmanfort was such good friends with Oleg Hairypasta that he was happy to share these valuable secrets. And also, Hairypasta had given him $19 million dollars, and Greedy Mr. Cheezo hadn’t given him a cent.

Part Four: Election Day

As Election Day got closer Robber Stone hinted that some very embarrassing secrets about Hillary Hotrodham would soon be revealed. One day, about a month before the election, Greedy Mr. Cheezo was having a very bad day. In the morning, the FBI said that Vladimir Poopin’s spies were trying to make Hillary Hotrodham lose. In the afternoon, someone found a tape of Greedy Mr. Cheezo saying awful, vulgar, violent things. It looked like Greedy Mr. Cheezo was done for.

But then, Vladimir Poopin’s spies released all the secret files they’d stolen from Hillary Hotrodham’s friend John Brodesta, the boss of her campaign. Just like Robber Stone had predicted. Even though the secrets in these files weren’t really all that embarrassing (especially compared to saying it was ok to hurt women, which Greedy Mr. Cheezo had said on the tape), everyone paid attention. After all of the lies about Hillary Hotrodham, a lot of people just assumed that whatever was in those files must be really bad. Some people even believed that she was as much of a liar as Greedy Mr. Cheezo.

When Election Day came, everyone still assumed that Hillary Hotrodham was going to win. A man like Greedy Mr. Cheezo couldn’t possibly become King, could he? But as the results rolled in, Greedy Mr. Cheezo won state after state. All of a sudden it was starting to look possible that he would win the election. And then he did. Men and women cried and cursed and threw things. They couldn’t believe it, but it was true.

Greedy Mr. Cheezo had become Greedy KING Cheezo.

Part Five: What Do We Know?

No one knows if Greedy King Cheezo could have won the election on his own. But we DO know that he had plenty of help.

We know that Vladimir Poopin’s friends offered Cheezo $300 million dollars and a chance to build the Mega Cheezo Tower, and that Greedy King Cheezo lied about this and kept it a secret. We know that Vladimir Poopin had thousands of spies helping to spread lies about Hillary Hotrodham. We know that the boss of Greedy King Cheezo’s campaign, Paul Madmanfart, was actually working for one of Poopin’s best friends while he was running Cheezo’s campaign.

We know that Poopin’s spies hacked into Hillary Hotrodham’s files to steal her secrets. And that Greedy King Cheezo’s own son (not to mention Madmanfart and Michael Cohnhead) met with some of Poopin’s spies to talk about how to use these secrets to cheat against Hillary Hotrodham. We know that Robber Stone knew exactly when the secret files would be released. We know that Paul Madmanfart cooperated with one of Vladimir Poopin’s spies while he was the boss of Cheezo’s campaign.

And we know that each and every time Greedy King Cheezo or one of his henchmen was asked about all of this, they lied.

In other words, we know that Greedy King Cheezo cheated with Vladimir Poopin to win the election. And that’s just about the worst thing someone can do in a campaign for king.

So it raises one more question: if Greedy King Cheezo and his henchmen were willing to do all those things (and lie about them) before he even became king, what are they willing to do now that he IS king?

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